Thoughts on clarity, understanding and self awareness
In 2017, I started a journey towards understanding myself and what life means. Needless to say, there was a lot of trial and error. A LOT. Here’s a little bit of a background on life recently as well as a couple of important life lessons I’ve learned from the last month.
When this all started over 4 years ago, I was scattered, eager, naïve and oblivious. I wanted to experience everything and I went after that desire hastily, without any foundations that grounded me. I built a life out of starry eyed dreams on the basis of instability and impulse. So when things came crashing down in March 2020, it fell HARD. But still, I wouldn’t have done anything different. I know now that everything that happened needed to happen in order to for me to understand.
For a year and a half, I kept tumbling lower and lower, constantly thinking I’m hitting the lowest point of my life. It wasn’t until July 2021 when I finally did hit the lowest point. My body and mind shut down simultaneously, I’ve never felt so empty in my head, my fingers turned blue from hypothermia when the temperature in our house was 78 degrees. At that time, it felt like there was nothing I can do so I just rested.
It was as if 4 years worth of restlessly living through life all caught up with me. All the 60-80 hour work weeks, constant travelling and buried feelings of hatred and bitterness bubbled up. And all I could do was rest. During the period of rest, I didn’t think, I slept but did not dream, I barely ate and had no energy to do anything.
The sense of energy that came afterwards was rejuvenating. I spent hours watching videos on self discipline, self motivation, productivity, control, determination, life lessons and whatever else the YouTube rabbit hole presented me with. For several hours a day for 2 weeks, I saturated my entire mindset with podcasts, habit building techniques and influential people. It must have worked because I got myself up and came an intense period of processing.
I pulled out four years worth of journals and read through every single page. It was such an emotional experience of nostalgia and clarity. I read over so many bits of wisdom I had in 2017 that I wrote about again in the future as if it was a completely new revelation. I was so full of mindful and insightful thoughts but I just never listened and took time to really reflect on what they all meant. I am extremely grateful for all that’s happened and that I have such a precious record of it all.
The resurrection of this blog and The People Project is aimed towards sharing life lessons and how to be more connected with ourselves and the world.
Two very important things I’ve learned (so far!) from this brief period of processing:
One, as cliche as it may be, the fact that life really is a journey. There is no grand destination of complete clarity and understanding. The best we can do is to understand as much as we can. Life is always growing and evolving, thinking there’s a limit to how much we can understand is standing idly as it flows past.
Second, in order to connect and understand the world and life itself, one must look inwards and understand themselves first. There is a difference between knowing and understanding. Much like a student can know how to use an equation solve a math problem without understanding what it’s for. All the questions of ‘when will this ever be relevant, I’ll never use the quadratic formula in my everyday life, why do I have to do this’ are still left unanswered.
Understanding yourself gives you a reason. A purpose for why you are the way you are so you can direct your life in any way you want.
Simply knowing the feeling of happiness does not necessarily mean as much as if you understand what makes you happy and why. Having a why will allow you to make conscious decisions towards it. In the same aspect, knowing why you are feeling upset will allow you to reflect on what can be changed to make the situation better.
“Yesterday, I was clever so I wanted to change the world. Today, I am wise so I am changing myself.”
– Rumi
It’s taken me over 4 years to take the time to actually understand what anything I’ve learned means. This took a lot of reflection within through meditation, art, spiritual practices, journalling, making conscious effort to connect with myself and others, admitting to my mistakes, fears and anxiety, accepting it all as a process and finding courage to bring light, patience and kindness to myself. The same way I’ve done for others.
I’ve always dreamt of helping others see the beauty and positivity of life. I want to share the feeling of clarity, love and light in a world of chaos and darkness. And for a time, especially in Cambodia, I did that. This dream of mine consumed me and I gave too much of myself away in the process without realizing how important it was to take care of myself first. Still, I do not have a single regret because I understand I needed to lose myself in order to admit how stubborn I can be. Now I know, in order to live my purpose of serving others to the best of my ability, I must take the time to give myself the same amount of love, compassion, patience, trust and light I intend on giving others. This newfound clarity and understanding came from a period of beauty, chaos and darkness. I’ve lived the life I always dreamt of and lost it due to a lack of system and foundation. For this new chapter of life, I am taking time to truly ground myself and build foundations that I did not have before.
ALVENTURED 