Sometimes I think:
“I’m so tired of thinking. So tired of questioning everything and wanting every single thing to have a meaning and a purpose.”
But I don’t stop. I can’t stop.
Because I know that if I do, I’ll be just like everyone else; putting these thoughts away and neglecting them to be able to live and function ‘normally’.
People live in little fantasies we make up so that we don’t have to face reality because most of the times, reality and the truth really fucking sucks and it’s hard to accept. People live in a fantasy world built by society and the environment around them, full of distractions, so that they don’t have to think about the truth of things.
It’s not a bad thing – in fact when things get heavy, like it is today, and I feel the weight of the truth and the reality on my shoulders, I wish I was capable of living that way. I wish I was able to mindlessly go about my life and live fantastically. I envy it.
Because truth and reality is the fact that there are billions of people who are hungry, abused, neglected, dehumanized and every single person is capable to working towards alleviating that suffering. People can volunteeer, donate money, be kind, live with only the basics and no excess luxuries. So, why don’t we? Why shouldn’t we dedicate our lives trying to help those who suffer simply because they weren’t born with the privileges most of us are? Is it because humans are innately selfish and we have to fend for ourselves, like our ancestors did? People don’t live that way because to live every single day, in that truth and reality, means a constant state of helplessness, feelings of selfishness and awareness of so much of the bad that happens in the world.
Reality is admitting to the fears and we have in life. It is admitting to our flaws and shortcomings. It is admitting that you can be happier doing something else but you just don’t have the courage to walk down a path you’ve never been before. Reality is the fact that people often live life without ever knowing why we’re here at all and most of them will go through the motions completley directed by society and society’s expectations. Reality is those times we sit in a quiet light, all alone, feeling lonely, misunderstood and lost.
So to live in our little fantasies that turns the other cheek on those reality is a defense mechanism to keep us going and not stuck in that state. It is understandable that humans do this in order to function normally, to not be crushed by the weight of that.
So no, I do not criticize, judge or think less of people for choosing to live that way. I envy it and I wish I was capable of seeing life that way. But since I don’t know how to, the only way for me to keep going is to find a meaning, a purpose to live for to justify that constant state of helplessness, wondering and asking questions that I will never find the answers to. So I think and question everything because if I don’t, then why am I still living and putting myself through it all?
I don’t know how it got to this way for me, I don’t know what made me choose and quite frankly, want to live within truth and reality instead.
Perhaps it’s because reality is not only recognizing your fears, your flaws and the suffering, it is also the feelings of appreciation, love and happiness, which many people do not even know how to recognize because we can convince ourselves of imitiations of those feelings in our fantasies. But to feel those moments truthfully and purely, is such an intense and beautiful experience that can’t be experienced without the latter.
